Powerless to Help

I was horrified by something that happened to my youngest son about a year ago.

Being divorced and separated from my children by over 20 miles, it’s not the easiest of things when I head that something terrible has happened.

At first, I wanted to run to him and help, although in this situation there was nothing I could do, nothing! He was in the hands of doctors who had the best tools to help, and was taken care of.

The hardest thing for me was not being there. I blamed myself and became resentful that I couldn’t ‘save’ him.

After several minutes of fuming and kicking myself, I realised I had to forgive myself.

I still remember walking down the road, typing out angry texts and deleting them. I wanted to vent but I knew it wouldn’t help. Instead of naturally being like ‘oh no, I hope he’s okay,’ or ‘that sounds really hard, I hope you are coping, is there anything I can do?’ the rescuer in me wasn’t there, and so I beat myself up.

It’s self sabotaging if this tendency to beat myself up for not being able to make things better isn’t reigned in, and reigning it in is so difficult at times.

It turned out what we initially thought had happened, which was worse case scenario, wasn’t the case at all and after an x-ray, my son was declared all well.

I felt so stupid afterward for beating myself up, I had to work through self forgiveness and admit that I just can’t be there for them because of the distance.

That’s one of the hardest things, as a rescuer, not being able to protect people from harm and danger, and is something I struggle with daily, coming to terms with not being able to help is difficult, but I’m realising people are more resilient that I give them credit for, so I can rest easy knowing they’ll be okay!

 

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