I saw a quote on Facebook that made me reflect on this:
You don’t need someone who wants you.
You can choose someone who deserves you.
There is this one thing with being codependent that really puzzles me, and has perplexed me even to this day.
We have a tendency to chase people who are emotionally unavailable.
When I reflect on it, I realise it’s like a drug. I have chased and chased and chased, got nothing in return, only to follow it up with more chasing, pursuing.
What keeps me bound to this chasing of the wind?
It’s the hope love would be returned. Those who are emotionally unavailable somehow represent an echo of a relationship I had in the past where someone failed to validate my emotions.
I would try anything possible in order to gain their affection, even becoming what they wanted me to be and deny myself.
Proving myself through my own credit, achievement and self less giving didn’t work, and doesn’t work. I just end up exhausted and tired.
Yet still, there is that drive within the core of me that says “if you keep showing love, you’ll soon show them love is possible, and when they see that, you’ll feel good because you’ll prove to yourself you are worthy of being loved when they love you back.”
You know, living in this “reality” is quite sick, and makes people sick. It’s exhausting and tiring to the point where I couldn’t get up in the morning for a broken heart and spirit.
The curse of the codependent – to chase those who can not return love.
I realise, and have realised for several years, I had this trait. I would choose people who weren’t available, yet they would be with me for validation that came through various methods. Mostly because I offered something they needed, and I believed if I gave it, love would be returned.
But what I gave was only a facet of what they needed, I had nothing else they desired, and could give nothing else.
At times I realised and I bailed, to my own shame.
Other times it ran its course and I ended up rejected and didn’t see it coming.
I decided to stop getting involved with people who were unavailable and change. Either in friendships, family or romantic relationships. I strive to prove myself, only to realise I didn’t need to and I could do better.