I first became aware of the traits of codependency within myself a couple of years back, except due to a mis self diagnosis, I believed I had BPD (Border Line Personality).
I immediately searched for specialist psychologists, went to my doctor (who said I didn’t have a personality disorder) and got referred to the specialist mental health team.
Three months later I have a meeting and ready myself for diagnosis and treatments.
The next thing I know, I’m walking out with a clean bill of health and totally confused. I was sure I had a personality disorder, but with a clean bill of health I was stumped!
It wasn’t until 2017 that I realised, through asking God to heal me and show me what I needed to do to change into a better version of myself that I stumbled across books and online material that showed me I had traits of being codependent.
So I did more research, until I came across some material about going into love systems within the family unit. I’d already done this when I worked through the original wound of abandonment I had, so I thought this would be a breeze.
I was like, “yeah, I know where this came from, it’s because Dad left the home and I stood up to become the primary care giver.”
I was wrong.
I was in a church worship evening when I started crying, I was asking God to show me where the root of my codependency was, and I suddenly found myself in a flashback to my past.
Dad had just punished me for something I hadn’t done. I t wasn’t the first time, but I was fed up of feeling unloved. Being punished for things I hadn’t done made me so angry. I even wished my Dad would die I was so upset.
So I decided to call out to evil spirits to help me – where I got that idea from is a totally different story – but then my life turned upside down! It was that moment that I decided to “fix it.”
It’s in that moment I turned from being powerless, to asserting my power through control, through incanting powers to manipulate my situation, through a root of anger that I couldn’t attain love and would therefore, in resentment, my striving to prove myself worthy of love had failed. In resentment it was time to take control and remove the source of my pain, although it kind of didn’t work haha.
But that was the beginning – and so I realised codependency isn’t a beautiful thing at all, but has it’s root in wanting to control situations where I feel out of control, and wanting to attain love, and so seek love where it can’t be found, which ends in a situation where I’m so angry, frustrated and wound up I self sabotage.
To change: Stop chasing love and just rely on God for love. Out of that abundant self love that comes from God, freely give love, as it was freely given to me by God.