I admit I am powerless over others, I can not control the outcomes or behaviour of others. I am not God. My life has become unmanageable.
I feel absolutely terrible now. I’ve been dwelling on this for two days, and the more time that passes the worse I feel.
I look back on past relationships and I realise I held onto an element of control in each one as I tried to attain love and affection from those I thought I loved.
I couldn’t control them though, and I tried harder and harder to get what I wanted, to get the outcome that would make me feel better, but I never did. I only got worse, and the hole inside me grew larger with each failed attempt to get love and recognition.
Each failed attempt made me feel worse and reopened the original wound inside my core.
Even when I did receive love and affirmation, because of the years of build up, believing I’d never receive it, I believed I didn’t deserve it, so I shoved it off. Until someone told me I should just say ‘thank you’ to a compliment. That changed things somewhat for me, but it didn’t heal the core hole in my soul.
Now as I reflect, I realise my life had got out of hand.
I lost thousands of pounds, just bailing people out of debt, giving hundreds of pounds to those in need. Thankfully I never ran into debt myself, but that money is gone. I hope to a good cause but I suppose I’ll never know. The strange thing is, life would’ve still worked out the same with those people if I’d just let them go through the hardship they had brought upon themselves.
Now I am emotionally deprived, starved and hungry. I am hungry for love that I never received.
No matter how much I tried, I couldn’t attain the love of people close to me through my own means!
So I realised today, I can’t expect people to love me. I can’t gain the approval of others.
Where does that leave me?