So I decided to go to CoDA, Codependents Anonymous.
Even after my first meeting I came out feeling so different!
My recent ex knew I was going, she lives in the same town as me. So naturally I felt a pressure (from my codependent traits) to try to make it work, for both of us.
I resisted the urge to suggest me leaving CoDA, and the urge of me going one week and her the next. That’s what my natural default would be… instead I just said I was going and it would be best if she goes elsewhere (she had already said she’d have somewhere else to go).
Well, that opened up the flood gates!
I felt confused when I was on the receiving end of phone calls (which I didn’t pick up) and texts asking me to leave CoDA to her and go elsewhere. I was even accused of being selfish, and then I dissociated and had flash backs to my past – when Dad used to bully me.
I felt powerless, but I remembered the step 1.
My life has become unmanageable as a result of my codependency.
I knew if I wanted to get better, I had to stick to my ground. So I stated matter of factly, I am going to CoDA, and reminded her that she could go elsewhere, as she had already decided. And I followed it up with telling her I was not going to engage any further until the conversation had gained some respect.
She told me to leave her alone.
So well that’s that.
I’m sticking to my healing, I’m not being bullied out of what I need and I’ve made an enemy in someone else, but at least I’ve not made an enemy of myself.
If I had given into codependency, I would have considered her needs above my own, and forced myself out into the cold when the manipulation tactics came.
Instead I stood my ground. I feel crappy because I’ve not helped someone else and I over empathise with other people’s pain, but I’ve done the right thing according to the things I’ve read about over coming codependency.