I woke up depressed this morning and couldn’t get out of bed!
Last night I spent the whole evening at my friends house, he was playing world of warcraft while I sat, chocolate biscuits in hand, “suits” on netflix and pen and paper in hand.
Every relationship, every damaging thing ever done to me that I could remember somehow scrawled out of the tip of my pen, the blue ink writing down all the pain.
And then, how it made me feel.
All the patterns emerged slowly like a tapestry of my life, being woven before my very eyes.
Physical abuse, emotional abuse, psychological abuse.
I put up with it all in the hope that somehow, by putting up with it, I could change the other person with my compassion. Somehow, by proving my love to them with greater and greater acts of love, I hoped I could win being treated better.
But it never came.
Not until I break the cycle and stand up for myself.
Not until I realise my own needs, what I deserve, and surround myself with people who treat me right, instead of chasing people who treat me bad.
It was like a drug, the craving was embedded deep within my soul from an early age when all that was fed into me was:
- You’re worthless
- You’re a liar
- You can’t trust your own thoughts
- All you do is bad
- When you do good, I’ll treat it as bad anyway
- When you do good, I’ll ignore you
- I’ll hit you when I think you’re bad
Yeah, so that set the precedent for my relationships. I put up with so much crap, and I didn’t realise it until now.
It made me angry, when I was younger I lashed out with violence and verbal abuse myself, until I became a Christian and I changed overnight. Even my family couldn’t recognise me. I started verbalising my emotions straight away – “I need some space because I’m just feeling angry right now” and I’d retreat to my room to cool off.
That must’ve surprised my Mum!
In almost every romantic relationship, I put up with some form of physical violence. Whether it was biting, slapping, punching, objects being thrown at me, pinching or being kicked in the groin.
Yep all that happened and I believed it was because the other person loved me. Sick, isn’t it.
Better to realise the toxicity now than never.
Time to stand up for what I need, instead of allowing myself to be pushed and pulled by these people.