It’s quite hilarious and sad actually, when I look introspectively at what I have been.
Codependency was first coined for addicts, drugs, alcohol, sex etc.
Now I’ve realised it goes further, in my case I’ve been addicted to bad relationships. That’s right, I sought them out!
There was one relationship I was in when I was 17, looking back it was one of the best I had. No drama, peace and quiet. I let her go because I grew bored is the truth.
It’s only now I realise why I grew bored. Because there was no drama!
The thing is, because of how I’ve been treated in the past, by my Dad, Mum and family, I’ve become accustomed to drama. So without it, I feel completely disarmed and naked. Truth is, isn’t that love? To make you feel so disarmed and naked before the other person? To forge an atmosphere of complete transparency where no weapons are needed? No shields are needed?
I liken the dance of toxic relationships to the dance in Sia’s music video to ‘Elastic Heart.’
In the video, a woman and a man are fighting, the mans anger rages, but he ends up trapped in a cage while the woman escapes after playing with his emotions (the physical dance to me represents the emotions and heart).
She thinks it’s a game, he retaliates with rage, which causes her to rage, but it ends with him trapped and feeling exhausted, but the woman is still pulling on his arm to try to get him out of the cage, another rubbing of salt in the wound.
It’s worth a watch!
That’s what toxic relationships are like to me, push, pull, anger, frustration followed by apology and forgiveness and so the cycle begins.
If that hasn’t been in a relationship, I grew bored and cold and looked for something to stimulate that toxic side of me.
Now I know it’s because that’s how love has been modelled to me as a child, and that’s why I’m codependent.
Hopefully with this awareness and abstinence from toxic people, I’ll get well, stay well and learn what love is, and actually learn to appreciate and “love love.”
I’m ready to be disarmed and feel completely naked before someone who would truly love my soul.