Codependent Striving For Love

What is love? Love covers a multitude of sins.

It’s only when I look at what my codependency led me to that I utterly feel so gutted and disgusted at my own behaviour and I know I need to change.

When I’d stopped going on dates, sleeping around and getting messed up in bad friendship groups, stopped drinking, stopped masking the pain of the breakdown of my marriage in such crazy behaviour, I made a change.

I even stopped associating with people who would encourage said behaviour.

I made a fresh break, went back to church, dedicated my life back to Jesus, the one who gave me my life and saved me from a contemplated suicide attempt at 18 and gave me a fresh start.

I came back to my first love who showed me what it is to truly live.

I’d been living in this freedom, back where I’m supposed to be, for over 8 months before the rally started. The rally of accusations and condemnation.

The one that really hits home how sick the compliance and denial traits of codependency really is, is the following:

“How could you do that?” (the up-teenth time of going over what I did almost over a year previously)

I was keen to prove I was compassionate, forgiving and willing to love, willing to answer any question thrown at me and be transparent about my past, given the right level of trust.

I was in denial, a trait of codependency, and should’ve stuck to my boundaries, this was one time too many of going over old ground. I wanted and needed to move on with my life, press into what Jesus had in store for me. Freedom from my past mistakes, an abundant life, filled with joy and eyes set on the future, what God has for me.

Instead, I’d been dragged down into my past for several weeks, every day, several times a day, by text, email and in person, all from the same person, at this point. And still I wanted to prove I was worth love.

My answer:

I shook my head in shame, I came to believe I was not worth forgiveness. I came to believe I deserved to be emotionally abused because of what I’d done, over 8 months prior.

I had no answer.

The next words came and cut my heart deep:

“How could you even think of doing that? Imagine your daughters little face, her sweet innocent face.”

In my sickness, I cried and believed I deserved this treatment, to be made to feel bad for what I had done, had stopped doing and made mens of already.

In reality, I should’ve put an end to this toxic blaming and shaming, especially when my daughter was brought into the mix, but my accuser knew my weak spots, and I crumbled.

In my codependency, I was willing to give and do anything to win the approval of this accuser, which never came. I was lost and so the dissociation began.

I lived with flashbacks to that prior period for weeks, I lived unable to interact with people, in a haze of depression and sadness for 3 months.

Until I broke out of it and realised I deserved more, soon after I started to put boundaries between myself and this person who dragged me through the mud every day for over 4 months, and I put an end to it, cutting them out.

No one deserves to be made to feel bad for what they have done once they have changed and dedicated to live a life different to what they had, for the better.

Codependency lead me to live in a toxic relationship of shame, emotional abuse and one in which my children were eventually used as emotional weapons against me. Beat down, I believed I had no where to go, I believed no one would take me, love me…

When the accuser saw I’d been beat down, and I said I needed space, the pleas for forgiveness came, and I accepted the accuser back, believing the darkness was over… the cycle started again and was quicker, shorter and sharper each time.

There was no way out, not for a codependent, from this abuse.

This is why it’s so important we have boundaries, especially as codependents!

We shouldn’t put up with people telling us we’re bad, putting us down, using loved ones against us, making us believe we’re worthless.

We have a voice, we have a right to be alive and living life to the full, to be free from the guilt of our past mistakes and to receive compassion and true love.

Soon after the accuser was ‘ejected’ from my life – I choose this word with care, because the break up of my relationship with my ex was extremely abrupt, and the blame again, was on me (another story altogether, which led me on another quest to gain approval) – I began to rebuild my confidence. I began to realise God, my higher power, had forgiven me!

I started to live life to the full again and friends and family commented on how I’d changed for the better, got life back in me, colour in my cheeks and a vibrancy that I’d lost!

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