Old Patterns

So I’ve had my pain opened up today. My counsellor said that would happen… but I didn’t expect this.

I’ve been in pain about how I let someone so toxic into my life! I’d done all the research on spotting narcicisstic personality disorder, how to spot toxic people and selfishness, but nothing prepared me for what came.

I’m looking back on the previous year, it all seems like it was filled with pain, blame, shame and guilt. I was hooked, as a codependent, I was hooked.

The worse I felt, the more I strove for love, and now this – deep rooted anger has arisen to the surface.

The fundamental question, how could I have let this happen? Was I so blind and in denial about the truth that I allowed myself to lose all my self respect and allow someone I barely know hurt me so bad and use my children as weapons against me?

How could I let this happen?

I suppose this is where my research in codependent recovery would say I need to have compassion on myself, grieve the fact I went there, grieve the fact I allowed myself to be reeled in by the pain of the abuse, in hope that if I proved myself righteous enough, repent enough, the other person would let up.

In fact, it all got worse!

Now this anger makes me feel the same as when Dad didn’t listen to me, when Dad made me feel bad when I hadn’t done anything, when he’d hit me when I hadn’t done anything wrong.

It confused me, made me feel as though just being alive, I was wrong. That I shouldn’t be here. No wonder I ended up wanting to take my life several times.

Back then, I turned to darkness, I mean literal darkness if you believe in that stuff. What scares me now is the familiarity of the feelings that were roused back then, are roused now. Hatred, anger and indignation. I feel as though I need to prove I am right, that the person had no right to cross me, to beat me down.

So this is where what I have learned through my research in codependency comes into practice.

I choose to forgive, let go of this need to control the outcome of this situation, and entrust it to God. Forgive myself for allowing myself to be so manipulated and emotionally abused, and be mindful that I am after all only human, one who wants love so deeply. This love can only be met by Jesus, my higher power.

And so peace encompasses me.

Bliss.

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