So it’s day 4 of No Contact with my toxic ex, and life is extremely peaceful!
I feel mellow, my adrenalin isn’t pumping as a result of demands which I’d feel guilt tripped to fulfil out of my codependency, and I’m feeling strange.
I’m used to the high level of anxiety, the stress of not knowing when a text will come through
“I am in pain and its your fault but I know I need to forgive you.”
I’d receive several of those a while back every day for 4 months. It set a pattern and I got addicted to bad, I’d feel obliged to placate, prove myself and strive for love, which never came. I enabled the accusations, condemnation and attitude of:
“How could you do that? I’d never do that!”
“You knew what you were doing, you did it on purpose!”
I felt so bad about myself and yet it was a mirror of what Dad did to me when I was a child.
Something would happen, I’d get the blame for it and he’d hit me. Even if I was innocent. If I didn’t agree with Dad I’d get hit, even if it meant I had to lie and agree I’d done bad, to avoid getting hit, I’d get hit anyway. So whether I’d deny the truth or not and agree with Dad, I’d get punished.
What I learned was that being treated bad and being falsely accused was a sign of love.
So I realise that I saw how my ex treated me as love:
beat down about my past
made to feel unworthy and not good enough
In my sickness, I saw that as love.
When she got back in touch, each conversation would get back into that:
“You betrayed me”
“You did not treat me as a princess”
“You neglected me”
This time, I’d done my research and I realised these were tactics of manipulation and emotional abuse. I stood my ground and gradually over time healed and resisted the manipulation.
When I said she couldn’t get in touch any more it was met with “but you said you’d be there for me as a friend and never leave me.” Oh how I felt guilt tripped to break my boundary after I felt manipulated, I gave in to this!
This little charade went on and on for about a month as I gradually got stronger. Over time I resisted the urge to try and placate her because I realised I am worth more than this and I refused to be manipulated. The end of the line for me was when I felt guilt tripped into buying her a birthday present because she didn’t receive her Christmas present from me, because we broke up before Christmas.
I was so stupid to fall for the trick!
Anyway, now she’s gone (I told her to stop contacting me 4 days ago) I have peace in my life, yet it feels weird.
I have to get used to this feeling because it’s a healthy thing to have, and as I rest in this peace I will soothe my soul and heal and find my centre again.
Each day I grow stronger as the stress stays away and I have energy to focus on healthy friendships and give to people who want to receive my love, and give back!
The future: will be based on not needing to placate or be pushed and pulled around by manipulative takers, but be filled with mutually supportive and encouraging relationships!