I’ve been in my fair share of toxic relationships and carry the scars for it. In them I did my fair share of wrong, and received a fair portion of wrong.
My heart and mind are now exhausted, I haven’t woken in the night for a long time, but last night I woke with incredible anxiety and felt sick. I was terrified that my ex was going to bombard me again with questions about my past and make me feel terrible for the life I’ve lived.
Terror gripped me as I readied myself for the onslaught that used to come. It wasn’t long before I realised I was alone, no questions or accusations were coming my way and I could relax.
My counsellor said that being in a toxic relationship with an open soul wound is like being in a toxic environment with an open wound on the body – it’s not a good mix!
So while my soul is recovering from being in a toxic environment I’m suffering with flashbacks, terror and anxiety attacks and generally just realising I don’t need to be on high alert anymore.
It’s sad but a relief and a good lesson to learn.
Toxicity is bad and I have no intention of perpetuating it any further in my life.
Online resources and trusted friends tell me the only way to get rid of the kind of toxic people I’m dealing with is to go No Contact.
That sort of thing is counter intuitive to a codependent but I’ve followed the advice and it’s been 4 days now since I told my ex to stop contacting me. It’s been quite, too quiet lol. Yet my soul still feels threatened and I’m hyper vigilant, even when walking out and about but I know it’s only a matter of time before I’m healed.
I had the same symptoms a couple of years ago when I met someone who was very similar. After I went no contact (I didn’t understand why at the time, my “sponsor” who is a trusted mentor suggested it), I went through a series of panic attacks, terror attacks and being unable to sleep.
I even felt the person’s presence with me and became super afraid I’d bump into that person. It took me over 6 months to fully recover from the toxicity and fear.
This time round, I know it’s not going to take that long so long as I keep up the no contact rule and keep to my own boundaries.
This is about recovery and seeking healthy relationships going forward, friendships, family and eventually when I’m ready a life partner that is equally yoked, encouraging and that person who I feel completely naked with but at the same time completely safe.
Isn’t that what God intended in the Garden of Eden? A completely safe place to be naked before each other, within a walled (boundaries) garden where trust, transparency, respect, honour and accountability is the currency of relationship?