While I’m going through recovery, I find myself wanting to be alone and have quiet reflection time.
I used to love being in coffee shops, but now I find my peace and quiet in being alone.
I think it’s different from depression, because I’m actually withdrawing as I reflect on my life, my behaviour and my own desires and wants, my own losses and heart desire for my future.
I no longer want to act out of codependency. Already I’ve learned to let go of the things I can’t control – it’s a daily struggle, and each day I submit my will to God in prayer.
I see God as my Father, the one to whom I submit in love, trusting that in His ultimate wisdom that I am safe in His guidance.
If something is due to come into my life, it will, if something is due to leave my life, it will. I can release all control into his hands, which leaves my heart feeling like it’s dropped out of my chest and has splattered on the floor. That’s the feeling of releasing control and realising I was never in control anyway.
It’s good to be in solitude during this time and just reflect on who I am, who I’m becoming. A man, reliant upon God (my higher power) and willing to give up my controlling nature in order to find my supreme lover, Jesus Christ, who loves my soul, designed my soul, designed me and loves me regardless and endlessly.
I rest in His unchanging love and grace as I let go of controlling others and situations.