This morning I was reflecting on self worth. I was actually feeling a little down, 5 days into no contact, I wonder why that is?
I did some introspection and soon realised it’s because I took my affirmation and likability from the fact that someone needed me.
As sad as that sounds, it’s true. I felt worthy because someone needed me.
The truth is, with no contact, I feel peaceful and it’s a little strange to be honest. I’m so used to high drama filled conversations, or conversations focussed on other peoples problems, that I’d forgotten I have a world of my own to take care of.
When I come back to my world, I find it’s ordered, structure and has no chaos whatsoever. I have a 9-5, great living conditions, nice housemates, friendship groups, church, family I see, regular events I go to…
Life is actually really nice.
I think it’s feeling a little uncomfortable because I’d be used to getting a phone call every morning just before work, requests to talk just to ease my ex’s pain of loneliness, or to soothe her anxiety over where I was.
I became codependent, bending my own will to enable this kind of behaviour instead of standing up for myself and saying “No hunny, this isn’t ok.” I actually did get there, but not until about two months after this behaviour started.
Some days she’d turn up unannounced on my door step and end up being late for work, just to see me, and also delaying me for work.
My heart rate and adrenalin levels went through the roof during that period. It was like I was being stalked, and yet because high drama was what was modelled to me as a child, I thought this is what love is. Not to mention the fact that my 8 year marriage was fuelled on this level of anxiety and adrenalin rush (having only got 4-5 hours sleep every night and worked my fingers to the bone, filled myself with alcohol and constantly stepping on egg shells to avoid criticism and conflict).
It was an air of familiarity, and now I’m out of it, only now I’m out of it do I see how toxic it really was.
Only now my head’s come above the surface and I can just breathe, do I see how bad it really was.
I am free.