I was just walking around town and getting some fresh air when the smells and sunlight resonated with me.
Something seemed familiar.
Then it hit me. A year ago I was contemplating breaking up with my ex because she’d made me feel like crap several times. I always said … “the next time will be the last.”
You know what – there was always a next time!
Until I felt guilty for thinking about breaking up with her because we had planned to celebrate my birthday together in London.
I thought I couldn’t break up with her – it would be mean – after all, she’d paid for the travel and everything else.
So I stayed and in the back of my mind I was constantly on egg shells, wondering what would set her off next?
It wasn’t anything in particular that I’d do – it was more just her making me go over and over again on details of my past.
She thought I was lying maybe, or just wanted to make me feel bad? Each time I thought “enough is enough.”
But I stayed. I sat under her criticism and felt bad for months all because I felt bad about breaking up.
I was afraid to displease her. I thought seeing it through would soon make her happy, show her I loved her not matter what.
It only showed her she could do worse to me, and so worse came, until I started dissociating and then couldn’t feel anything.
Still I said, “next time would be the last time.”
How sad was I?
It’s quite laughable really, and now I’m out of the drama and mind bending crazy making games that made me feel like I deserved to be treated that way, that I made her bad behaviour (yes that’s one excuse she threw at me for her bad – it was my fault), now I’m out, I see the only thing I was crazy for was staying!
That’s the problem with codependents. We stay in relationships that are bad for us, and in some cases return to them.
If it wasn’t for the fact I’m doing counselling and attending my therapy group and becoming self aware, I might be trying to get back into a toxic relationship right now!
Thank God for support, friends and revelation!
It’s part of codependency, and I’m realising now how unmanageable my life had become. I had no way of controlling my life and getting out of a very bad situation.
Time for change!