So it’s been over a week of thinking about step 1.
My support group have commented on how much I’ve changed already, and inside I feel so different. I feel stronger, I’m not longer shaking my head at my wasted time and energy on those that I would seek love from who are not in a position to return it.
Either through gifts, time, energy, text messages or email – I’m no longer chasing after the needs of another. I am, instead, considering what’s right for me.
The ache inside that led me to seek out the affection and affirmation of another isn’t as great any more. It’s still there, at night and I find it hard to wake in the morning because I feel down, but I am sure these fleeting feelings will pass and my passion and excitement for life will return!
I feel more settled after this first week.
I think it’s because I’ve realised how poor I had actually become in trying to meet everyone else’s needs, giving advice, reaching out when it’s not asked for, over exerting myself to help or control outcomes, when in fact there is absolutely nothing I can do to alter outcomes or control people.
When I relax into this realisation, I absolutely relax and chill.
My anxious heart is no longer so anxious, but is coming into a deeper level of peace of its own.
I feel more comfortable being alone than I ever did.
I’m just happy with life at the moment.
Don’t get me wrong, part of me still believes that I can’t be fulfilled unless I’m receiving love and affection from another. That led me to wonder whether I’ve also got an addiction to love, but that is another question for another day.
As for now, I’m just resting in step 1, and grateful that I’ve realised the errors of my ways and my energy, time and money have been protected in knowing my own weakness and protecting myself.