I sat opposite Dad yesterday, it was the first time we connected after he disowned me over 3 years ago.
It was a bit emotional, Dad had tears in his eyes and connecting with him again made me feel whole.
I wasn’t the same person he knew though, in his presence I no longer felt like a naiave little child. I no longer felt powerless or like a victim.
I felt in control of myself, able to bat away the mental games he plays, able to take a stand for who I am and let his crap roll off me back.
Instead of retaliating to his accusations and finger pointing, I just said I was sorry for the hurt I caused him.
He was sorry too for what he had done, namely the physical abuse.
It was a beautiful moment.
I affirmed Dad, told him I forgave him, I knew why he did what he did, I said methods aside, his motive was to make me a man of strength, courage and able to stand up for myself. To make me respect myself and get a good education.
I pointed out the ways in which those things had manifested in my life, and how his motives worked. I had become the man he wanted me to become, and more.
Such a beautiful moment, but I remembered I was still looking an abusive man in the eye, my guard was up.
During the conversation, I realised I was sitting opposite my ex! Everything about her personified in my Dad, everything about my Dad personified in her, right down to the mental illness!
I couldn’t believe it.
It’s exactly what my counsellor said – when wounded, I’d attract people like the one who wounded me, and keep repeating the cycle.
So the question is how do I break this pattern?
Perhaps reconnecting with Dad was enough, perhaps that showed me the character traits in him that I need to avoid? I couldn’t see them while he was out of my life, so I filled that void with someone just like him, who ended up abusing me just as he did.
So now he’s back in my life, as sick as it sounds, perhaps psychologically I don’t “need” to find someone who I can let really close who can treat me as bad as he did.
Now is the time to change and the closest spot to my heart,
Where Jesus dwells, is deserving only of someone who can accept love and reciprocate love. Not abuse.
Time for change!