Today is such a wonderful day, it’s about 17C and not a cloud in sight.
I’m sat on a beach with some wonderful friends and all is cool on the outside.
On the inside I’m fighting anxiety. I’ve been asking myself why I’m anxious, it’s one of the things about recovery from codependency. Authenticity means owning my emotions and feelings.
So what is it? Why do I feel anxious?
I realised it’s because I don’t feel worthy to have this good in my life. I don’t feel as though I deserve to just sit and enjoy life.
It’s a strange feeling, I know it’s because of a deeper rooted issue.
I think it’s because deep down I’m not feeling loved because I haven’t got anyone I’m able to pour love into. Anyone in need, that is.
There’s plenty of secure people around, treating me well, making sure I’ve got food, drink and comfortable.
That’s real friendship and love, yet if there’s no drama, no one I have to strive to earn something from, to prove myself, I don’t feel like I have a reason for being, deep down inside.
I know this stems to my childhood, when Dad used to hit me, even when I hadn’t done anything wrong.
That’s the real issue, it put something inside me that means I strive to prove my worth.
I need to learn that I can just be.