I was listening to another YouTube this morning:
It’s all about emotional trauma and toxic attachment.
Although it’s focus is on love addiction, it strikes a chord with the codependency trait of seeking and chasing love for emotionally unavailable people.
I was thinking about my recent relationships and how I ended up feeling alone and isolated. So much so that I felt elation when someone outside the relationship asked the simple question, “how was your day.”
That’s right, those 4 words were seldom if ever spoken to me.
I wound up in relationships where there was no real depth or emotional connection. Even in my most recent relationship, which I would honestly describe as the deepest connection I’ve ever felt, I felt single for the duration. How strange!
Looking back, I realise I had gone into the relationship with emotional trauma.
For the duration I was then traumatised both emotionally, sexually and spiritually, to the point where I became a shell of a man, people commented after that I became withdrawn and different – almost moody. I stopped getting invited out too.
It was horrible.
When it ended, I spent days shaking, unable to sleep, cold, shivering, feeling like I was going to puke.
It wasn’t until some friends said I’d been emotionally traumatised that I started to seek help and recovered.
I had to escape my city for three weeks for the duration of my recovery.
On reflection I think I had gone into the relationship with an existing trauma, where I’d been emotionally and sexually neglected by my ex wife, and then in a state of hunger and emotional starvation, I went into my recent relationship under the impression the connection that was made was a deep one.
Infact we had bonded over wounds, which caused the relationship to become toxic, I then felt alone, and then the emotional and spiritual abuse started, forcing my emotional trauma wound to open wider and fester.
I just accepted this was how life was going to be.
Every day faced with condemnation for things I’d done in my past, being lied to, never feeling connected – always on the defensive in case another argument broke out.
The list goes on.
I tried to end it after I gave into sexual activity, after being convinced it would be ok – after I said I wasn’t comfortable about it. Then, my ex pulled away, the reason being it wasn’t ok after all.
I felt betrayed, stupid and rejected.
I already had a sexual trauma because my ex wife refused sexual contact for prolonged periods of time, despite my advances and I felt unattractive and rejected.
Coupled with emotional neglect, I was a mess.
So my wound reopened, and I broke up.
But my ex begged and begged and I took my ex back.
The cycle went on and on, shorter and shorter, different condemnations, different reasons why I wasn’t good enough.
I put up with it, because I didn’t believe life could give me better. At all.
I didn’t believe because I had an emotional trauma wound, and formed an unhealthy attachment which I felt powerless to walk away from.
In short, it’s what I beleieved was best on offfer ever, and I didn’t deserve better.
That’s the effect of constantly being emotionally abused and/or neglected.
I learned that was all love is, which is a lie.
So before I start again, I believe now, after listening to these life coaches, going to therapy and counselling and sharing with good good people, I am worth more and there is more out there.
I just have to heal before I am ready for love, true love.