Masks and layers of trust

I’ve come under this year that I hold up a facade, that I don’t reveal the full extent of who I am and put on a face.

One person who’s supporting me believes it’s because I fear rejection.

My counsellor said it’s because of how my Dad treated me when I was a child.

She said I’d need to have people gain my trust. I’d open up slowly, I’d need to be in a safe place to know I can open up.

It’ll take time to open, I’ll need people to show me they’re not going to use information I provide against me.

Even when I reconnected with Dad a few days ago, it’s been 3 years since we last spoke, he used something I said against me.

It really cuts deep. It’s a psychological tool, used unknowingly or knowingly, in order to force a victim and child like spirit within me, to put me on the back foot and rely on him, strive for his affection, which puts him in a greater light.

I refused to do that, but it becomes exhausting going through life, not knowing who’s going to treat me like that.

So I naturally keep on a mask, a facade to hide who I truly am, the real deep down me.

Until I know I can trust you with the small things about me, I’m not going to open up about the big things.

I need to know my heart is going to be free, looked after and safe.

It’s a battle to open up if I’m honest, I fear that my heart will open up but not find a safe place to rest. That’s what it’s all about at the end of the day – my Parents didn’t provide a safe place for my heart to rest, so it led me to beleieve the world hasn’t got a safe place to rest.

So I find it hard to trust and open up, it’s part of the avoidant traits of being codependent. So I want to be close to people, friends, family, but I push them away by my guarded heart. So I feel rejected and reinforce the sense I can’t trust anyone.

What a cycle!

So what’s the way out?

Learning I can trust myself. My safe place is in Jesus. Just last Friday I attended a Sozo ministry, and they asked me to find a safe place with Jesus.

I was transported in a vision to a room filled with white stone and white pillars. There were palm trees, and behind me was a throne , I sat down on white steps behind me, and a friend, Jesus, stood behind me.

Infront of me was an open door way, taller than any person, and light flooded in.

That’s my true safe place. A place of purity, transparency and peace with Jesus, walking among the collanades of Gods counsel and love and faithfulness.

If I can learn my heart is safe with my higher power, Jesus, then I can learn to be vulnerable and open with those I love.

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