When I first studied codependency in order to understand myself, the speaker on a youtube series said something along the lines of, “you’re going to feel some discomfort when going through recovery.”
I thought the discomfort had passed when I felt awkward about just becoming an observer to friends and people I knew who were going through tough times, as opposed to jumping in and helping them.
I was wrong.
Part of being codependent means that, to some degree, if I’m not in a meaningful relationship, I feel the pangs of abandonment and a sense of feeling unloved and unloveable sinks in.
It’s the same feeling I had when I was at University, I had it in my previous marriage, and I have it now.
It’s the most uncomfortable intense feeling of being alone. I know the only one who can satiate this hole in my core is my higher power, Jesus.
So in order to go through recovery, I’m just sitting here, with a knot in my stomach and really embracing these feelings.
It doesn’t help that a friend has bailed on me tonight, for the second time. A meeting I had on Wednesday has also bailed, actually ghosted me.
Feelings of intense abandonment are sinking in and I’m feeling alone in a cold dark world.
The pangs of rejection, from a broken engagement, are also sinking in. I feel an intense sense that I’m unloveable. Undesirable, which I know are lies. I get so much attention when I’m out in social circles, I just have to raise my head about the learned thought patterns that have been embedded in me from my childhood, and focus on recovery.
Apart from wanting to break down in a coffee shop and cry, I’m holding it together with the recovery tools of CoDA.
I know I’m not alone.
I know I’m not abandoned.
I know my higher power, Jesus, is with me.
I know if I go through this recovery, I’ll get better, I’ll be comfortable in my own skin and feel like I’m worthy to be here, worthy of love and that I don’t have to seek it out through relationship with someone who “needs” me.
That would be my natural reaction – it’s how I got into toxic relationships. I looked for someone who “needed” me, as opposed to just loving myself.
So I need to focus on loving myself and remind myself that I have loyal friends, and I am a loyal friend. People have busy lives, ghosting is not acceptable in my book, but bailing because of busy-ness is.
I need to stay focussed on my recovery and surround myself with people who love me.