I must admit, today I’m struggling, which is strange as last night I had 6 and a half hours sleep, which is the most unbroken sleep I’ve had since June last year.
I’m coming into a place of acceptance for what I am, and I keep attracting people into my life who are ‘different.’
From people with ‘Daddy issues,’ myself included, to people who I fear would want to treat me bad.
Even today, I was sat next to my friend and he kept hitting me on the arm. Instead I was boiling with rage, a rage that I thought I’d dealt with. I hate being hit, I’ve been hit so many times and it’s like there’s something inside I need to deal with on this area.
With every hit on the arm I felt myself wanting to explode, to hit back. I bit my tongue and restrained myself until the fifth time, I warned him.
“I wouldn’t keep doing that if I were you. It takes me to a bad place, I’ve had a violent past.”
My friend laughs, I’m not sure if it’s a nervous laugh, and then asks what it was I’ve done that’s so bad in my past.
“Put someone in a neck brace, almost knocked one person’s teeth out, almost killed my brother.”
Yeah, that’s what I’ve done, fighting, whether in a controlled environment or not, I had a rage inside me that I’m not sure if I’ve forgiven, I’m not sure if it’s still inside me, deep down. I’m not sure if I’ve simply put a lid on it, denied what I am?
I am I really that bad? Am I really a violent, rage-filled demon?
That’s how I would describe my younger self.
Maybe I just hate being treated bad, and when I’m hit physically, it’s a trigger?
I think there’s something under the surface I haven’t dealt with, but the codependent me would just keep silent until I lash out in anger, instead of stating my boundaries first time the hitting happened.
Don’t get me wrong, my friend was doing it out of wanting to be annoying, but it’s a trigger from my past.
Probably because I’m codependent, I over empathise with my emotions, in some twisted way, and imagine how others felt when I hit them, based on how I’m feeling, and I resent myself for what I did?
Either way, I got to figure out how to have better boundaries, to know my boundaries and have an ability to say “no” when something happens that I don’t like, and not put up with it anymore.