One thing I’ve noticed after going into codependent recovery is that who I am seems to be amplified, or honed.
I find myself more observant, more affected by the sights and sounds around me.
The sense of loneliness has increased what feels like a hundred fold, yet I find myself at times afraid to leave my house and meet new people.
Part of this is because I’m exhausted having to fight off thoughts that would lead me into panic. Words spoken by my ex, things said by other people that still impact me today.
The panic attack starts like a shiver but then intensifies deep into my muscles and right down into my core. One YouTube video said it’s like the shivers go right into the bones and all of me feels cold. Then then breathing shallows and I don’t know if I exist. It’s horrible.
It’s part of recovery though I think, it’s like I’m fighting off those dark thoughts that have come after abuse.
The natural remedy for me would be placate this with romance. Find someone to care for and it’ll all be ok.
That’s rubbish! If I want to heal, become more of what and who I am, then I need to embrace the loneliness and learn to just be with myself. I am getting stronger.