I realised I’ve been living under the shadow of guilt and shame over my past behaviours. It led me into striving to prove myself, striving to attain love and affirmation.
The only problem was I was striving to get love from the very people who were condemning me for what I’ve done in the past.
The thing is, I decided to change, to mend my ways before I met this person, so why did I feel the need to live under the cloud of their holy high bar when I’d already known I was forgiven and was living under a clean slate?
It’s strange how the natural response is for me to try to prove myself. To demonstrate how I’ve changed and win the approval of those who treat me bad, spiritually abusing me by keeping me under the guilt of my past.
Instead, I’ve realised today I am forgiven for what I’ve done – and the fact I decided to live a different life almost two years ago and have been pursuing a different life which I’m proud to live, I have no reason to believe I’m not good enough.
I am loved by my higher power, Jesus, so I don’t need to fall back on the emotional validation from those who make me feel bad. I don’t need to prove I’m free and forgiven, I don’t need to demonstrate that I can live by good standards in order to gain their approval, because I have a higher approval, that of Jesus, my higher power.