I never thought I’d say it but I find solitude and silence quite enjoyable now.
A few nights ago I found it absolutely terrifying! Perhaps there’s something in letting go of the past and choosing a life of solitude, wether short or long term, that enables the soul to recover from grievances and abuse.
At first I found the silence and aloneness terrifying. I needed someone around – I needed the adrenaline rush of not knowing if I was going to be in someone’s bad books for an evening. One little slip up and that’s argument number 1039373… thats how it felt.
I missed the tranquility of a relationship – that beautiful I’m in love thing that happens right at the beginning.
But what it turns into, or for me rather, was a nightmare of trying to justify myself, to find peace through submission and placating the other… I effectively wasn’t happy until I was miserable, and I chose partners who made me miserable.
Now, I’m enjoying being alone, the silence is peaceful and a relief.