Codependency is associated with addictions such as alcohol, sex, gambling, drugs etc.
What I want to highlight is my own addictions and why they come in.
My addictions came into play when I wasn’t being honest about my own emotions, when I’d become compliant and mask my true thoughts and feelings in order to placate and hold onto a relationship.
In a past relationship, I’d been totally open and my vulnerability was used against me. That was when I was first coming out of codependency, but because of the violation of trust, I learned, perhaps falsely, that I couldn’t trust other people with my emotions and true self.
So there’s a little bit of a complex there, but I wonder if all codependents feel the same?
So when I can’t be open about who I am and what’s going on inside, through fear of abandonment, fear of rejection or generally lack of trust, I self medicate.
The self medication becomes an addiction.
The one I fell back on, which I stopped back in December 2016, was drinking until I felt sleepy enough to sleep and numb enough not to cry myself to sleep.
I’d do this to stop feeling alone.
I’d feel alone because I didn’t feel safe to truly open up.
I’d form an addiction!
Other things I started to do was look to people I could help, helping people felt good, it made me feel validated and so it soothed the pain of masking my emotions.
When I finally stopped drinking, I connected with my fear of rejection and abandonment, I suffered.
I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t drink, I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t focus. At times it was a struggle to shower and look after my self.
I got through it though, and decided to work on myself.
It’s still a struggle to admit my true thoughts and feelings, especially when I’m faced with the possibility of being rejected, but I figured it’s better to be honest and open – especially when the alternative is drinking until I forget my problems for that night. They always come back the next day!
Authenticity and emotional vulnerability with those I trust is the way forward to healing!